As moms, we just want to provide the best experience for our kids and husbands, and we often forget about ourselves. “Honey, don’t worry about getting me anything for Mother’s Day.” We’ve all said it. Do we really mean it? These are some examples of what we don’t want for Mother’s Day.
Don’t buy me flowers. Let me rephrase that. Don’t buy me $200 flowers from an expensive flower shop. Go to the grocery store and pick out a $20 bouquet that you think I would like best. You look sexy walking in the door with flowers in your hand. Use the money you saved to buy a nice bottle of wine. Actually, make it two. You know it won’t go bad in our house.
Don’t let the kids follow me into the bathroom. I want to go to the bathroom for the full, uninterrupted 20 minutes that you take. We all know that it doesn’t take that long to poop. If it does, I will make you an appointment with a gastroenterologist. Just not on Mother’s Day.
Don’t wake me up in the middle of the night. I want to sleep like a baby. Better yet, I want to sleep like you. I don’t what to be the one who wakes up to let the animals out in the middle of the night or the one who consoles a child after a bad dream. I love them all, but on Mother’s Day, please stop pretending that you don’t hear them for just one night.
I don’t want the “banana in your pocket”. Unless I’m in the mood. I might be, but I’m not making any promises.
I don’t want a half-assed massage. Whether it be my feet or my back, I don’t want to have to twitch to remind you of what you’re doing. Put in a little effort.
For one day, hold in your farts. “My belly hurts”, “It snuck out”, or “I stepped on a duck” are not acceptable excuses on Mother’s Day.
I don’t want to change any diapers. You’ve got this! It’s only one day. And I don’t need to hear how big or smelly the toddlers poop was when you’re done. Yours don’t smell like roses either.
I don’t want to clean the house. You know whats sexier than you with a bouquet of flowers? You with a vacuum. No wife ever complained to her husband while he was vacuuming the house. Don’t believe me? Give it a try.
I don’t want to do any dishes or laundry. It would really increase your chances of getting laid on Mother’s Day if you just took over all of the household duties.
I know I’m not alone with these requests. We do it all 364 days a year. We just want one day!